Awright, I'm onto y'all, you lousy bastards - it's getting to the point where a man can't turn his back for five minutes without having having his name dragged through the mud by a pack of slanderous jackals. I'd call my lawyer if he weren't already busy enough defending me from a bunch of trumped-up morals charges involving barnyard animals. If I'd known this kind of character assassination was going on, I'd have been on you SOBs like ugly on a Bullock. Just like you clowns to kick a man when he's down.
As you can see from the pic, I like to fly fish. (Yuk Yuk) I was heading out one morning when an unexpected squall drove me off course and blew my craft onto the forbidden shores of Fidel Castro's Cuba, where I was thrown into prison for having a better looking beard than El Presidente. By the grace of God, I managed to escape from a slave labor battalion while being transported to the Isle of Pines to work the sugar cane fields. After all I've been through, I come home to find that you miserable pricks have been heaping insults upon the person of one of the finest (and best-looking) individuals this country has ever produced. I'm shocked, SHOCKED! May the bird of paradise lay a turd in your cafe au lait!
